Looking Forward ...

So here it is. The last day of 2013. It was the first full year my mom was not here with us - but with Jesus instead. It is the last year I will spend any time with Joey - in the relationship we had, at least.

I'm very hopeful and excited for the coming year! Still, today it has hit me again that a big chapter of my life is over for good ...

I've always been the type of person that once I went for something, I went for it with all I had. My relationship with Joey was no exception. Even when I questioned so many things about us, I fought for him and us. Partly because I loved him so much! Also, though, because I don't ever like to quit! At least not in things like that, like relationships.

Unfortunately, if I'm honest with myself, I don't believe he ever loved me in the way I kept hoping he would. I do think he loved me ... in his own way. I don't think it is a healthy kind of love, though. It's not caring, complete, giving. I know I'm far from perfect, but he loved me selfishly, when it was best for him. Not out of true love for me or us as a couple. As a family.

This is something I've probably known for so long, yet I didn't want to put it out there, put it into words. I kept holding on to the hope of working things out, getting back together. Even though it was a sad relationship. He was a very abusive man, in all senses of the word. And angry. And negative.

Why is it that I still miss him and the hope that I had for us to be a family then??

Though he still won't admit it, I know from sources that he has been in a relationship with someone else for some time now. When I found that out, I knew that was truly the end. I have been able to let go some. But I guess my heart still holds on to the memories. Holds on too much sometimes.

As I search to find PEACE in my daily life in the coming year, I pray that I will find it in many areas. In the area of me and Joey. I pray that I finally am able to move on without always remembering, always thinking, always having that hurt holding on to my heart and mind.

I pray this in Jesus' name!! And I BELIEVE I will find the PEACE I seek.

Feeling Down ...

I don't know why I'm feeling down right now. I have been since about mid-afternoon. Was having a really good day, and feeling really good. All of a sudden, it just hit me though. Not sure if I unconsciously thought of something that didn't agree with my happiness? Did I see something and not realize it bothered me? I truly have no idea ...

I've been trying for the last couple of hours to "get back up," but I'm struggling! Lord, please feel me with your PEACE!!

I'm hoping that by blogging (as I said I would today!) that it may be just the jump start I need.

I went out to my dad's today with my kids to see my grandson and give him his Christmas presents. While I was out there, my brother was out in the shed, so we stopped in there to look for just a quick few minutes. I found a couple more books that I wanted to have here at the house, and a couple of other things. Among these was a little bag of fiber that I happened to find in a box. I have NO idea where I got it from, and don't even remember getting it! It's cashmere though! I brought it home with me. Some day when I get back to practicing spindling, and get a little better at it, I will use this (probably with some wool) and see what I can come up with. :)

I joined a swap on Ravelry: The Loopy Ewe Swap 12. I'm very excited about this. I've been in contact with both the person who will be sending to me and the person I will be spoiling. It is so nice to have people to talk to, to get to know. I have some ideas about what I will be making/sending for my spoilee, but nothing definite yet. I am super glad I joined though! It's different than other swaps and things I've been involved with because we know who we are sending to and receiving from. This gives us the chance to actually get to know the other people, and I'm so thankful for that!

Also, this past week I enrolled at DeVry University. I have been attempting to get my Associate's for WAY too long, and need to finally get it done. I have wasted a lot of my Pell Grant over the years, not being sure what I truly wanted to do. This will affect my upcoming class enrollment. However, I should have enough for a couple of more semesters. PLUS, I was awarded a transfer scholarship that will help immensely. Costs are higher at the university level than at the community college; and without this scholarship I wouldn't be able to continue with school right now.

My plans are to get my associate's in web design, then to continue on to get a bachelor's degree in a multimedia area. Wish me luck!

Well, I didn't get to talking about my One Word for 2014 (PEACE), but I will get to that soon. I'm going to go try and knit again, hoping I can get my happy back!

Almost the End of 2013

This has definitely been a year of change for me. Just wanted to take a step towards returning. For the first time, I have chosen my One Word for 2014: PEACE. I will come back tomorrow to "journal" and share my ideas and plans ...

So, again, it's been forever since I've posted. I've had so many things going on in my life, especially the past year. My mom passed away September 7, 2012. We found out April 17, 2012, that sure had brain cancer .... I finally left Joey ... but that relationship is still there. Don't know if we'll ever totally be able to let go and get along. It's so messed up! He's the reason I'm here tonight. He is such a jerk! I need to let go ... I will type more later ... but just needed a start again ... Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers ...