Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking Forward ...

So here it is. The last day of 2013. It was the first full year my mom was not here with us - but with Jesus instead. It is the last year I will spend any time with Joey - in the relationship we had, at least.

I'm very hopeful and excited for the coming year! Still, today it has hit me again that a big chapter of my life is over for good ...

I've always been the type of person that once I went for something, I went for it with all I had. My relationship with Joey was no exception. Even when I questioned so many things about us, I fought for him and us. Partly because I loved him so much! Also, though, because I don't ever like to quit! At least not in things like that, like relationships.

Unfortunately, if I'm honest with myself, I don't believe he ever loved me in the way I kept hoping he would. I do think he loved me ... in his own way. I don't think it is a healthy kind of love, though. It's not caring, complete, giving. I know I'm far from perfect, but he loved me selfishly, when it was best for him. Not out of true love for me or us as a couple. As a family.

This is something I've probably known for so long, yet I didn't want to put it out there, put it into words. I kept holding on to the hope of working things out, getting back together. Even though it was a sad relationship. He was a very abusive man, in all senses of the word. And angry. And negative.

Why is it that I still miss him and the hope that I had for us to be a family then??

Though he still won't admit it, I know from sources that he has been in a relationship with someone else for some time now. When I found that out, I knew that was truly the end. I have been able to let go some. But I guess my heart still holds on to the memories. Holds on too much sometimes.

As I search to find PEACE in my daily life in the coming year, I pray that I will find it in many areas. In the area of me and Joey. I pray that I finally am able to move on without always remembering, always thinking, always having that hurt holding on to my heart and mind.

I pray this in Jesus' name!! And I BELIEVE I will find the PEACE I seek.

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