Again ...

Funny how I always have the best intentions when saying I'm going to start blogging more ... Oh, well. It's nothing I should beat myself up over. :)

There have been so many changes in my life over the last couple years, I feel as though I'm starting all over again with everything. Maybe with me. Probably especially with me. Learning who I am, how much I can handle before I break ... before I push back ... if I can get back up ...

Well, I've learned I'm stronger than I sometimes think I am, and I know I'll always be able to get back up. I've been reminded so often that positive thinking goes a long way in overcoming a difficult situation, and that I really do know how to laugh, and I'm learning to smile on the inside again, too. For all this, and even for the events that have caused me to get lost on my journey, I am thankful.

Knitting has remained a constant in my life since a month or so before I left the living situation with my ex. It took me so much longer to get to a point where I could get through any amount of time without thinking about him and us, but I am now pretty content with that chapter being over. I knew this time would come, but man! It took it's sweet time coming! LOL!

I have a lot of other things going on in my life now, and I'm far from where I want to be, but I'm starting to be "who" I want to be again. Praise God for that! In the last couple months, my knitting time has be decreased significantly! That makes me sad, but it's reinforced in me that I never want to go without knitting again. I can't. When everything around me is chaos, knitting calms my soul.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! I've made a wonderful friend on Ravelry, and Lori truly is my BFF now! If only in my mind LOL! Actually, she has been there for me through a lot since we started talking earlier this year, and she's been a huge blessing! I only hope I can be there fore her when she needs me, as well.

Just this past week we started up a group on Ravelry Sock Sampler KALs. She was worried that we would be the only ones in the group. I told her then we would just motivate and cheer each other on! LOL! At this moment, and in three days, we have 12 other members, and I think this will work out great! I'm excited to have a group with the sock/shawl/etc. variety we are craving. I want to challenge myself to keep knitting socks (I'd been falling into a small rut there), and yet continue knitting shawls, which are my new passion!

I'd wanted to knit a shawl for SOOO long! I'm so glad I finally did. While they sometimes require a lot of attention, they are very calming to me.

Well, there is so much more to say, and pictures I want to post ... but it's bedtime for my lil guy. Whether he agrees or not! :) BTW -- he turned 4 on the 15th of this month! WOW!

For I know the plans I have for you ....

The online bible study at Proverbs 31 Ministries, Made to Crave will be starting January 19. I'm really excited for this study. I don't have the book, but I'm going to try and follow along as well as I can, until I can afford it.

On the most recent blog post for this study, we were invited to begin joining in on the blog hop. Each week they will give us topics from which we will choose one to write about on our blog, then share with others. Today, I am choosing the topic of My Favorite Bible Verse.

Actually, like many others I'm sure, I have more than one favorite. Jeremiah 29:11 is one that always comes to mind, though. It's been a favorite for a long time. Also, my mom had this verse, along with others, posted near her computer. She was diagnosed with brain cancer in April of 2012, and went home to be with Jesus on September 7, 2012. This verse has always comforted me, reminding me that while I may not always know the hows and whys of things, GOD DOES!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

My word for the year is PEACE. It's the first time I've chosen to study one word through the course of a year. Jeremiah 29:11 definitely is a peace-giving verse! I may struggle with things in my daily life, but God is there! And He has a plan for me! AMEN!!

Happy New Year!

So I guess this is my first post of the year. :)

It has started out well. I finished my first project of the year, my Mince Pie Mayhem socks (Socktopus KAL on Ravelry). I knit them in Cascade Heritage Paints in the Indian Summer colorway. This pair took a while, it seemed, due to all of the cables, but I'm glad I knit them anyways.

I am now knitting Fiori di Zucca, also from the Socktopus book and for the same KAL.

So far I have knit each pair since the beginning of the KAL, and plan to continue knitting each pair in the book.

I have not done specific research into my word (PEACE), yet; but I am daily aware of my need and search for it constantly. I am reading the book "In Pursuit of Peace: 21 Ways to Conquer Fear, Anxiety and Discontentment" by Joyce Meyers. I am also using the daily devotional "The One Year Book of Proverbs." I can definitely feel a change since I've committed to studying the Bible more again. I am starting to hunger for more of Jesus again, as I used to. I am thankful for this.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

I am thankful and blessed to know that though I will have troubles and trials to face in this life, God is with me always and He is in control. There is nothing that can come between me and the love of my Lord, and nothing can stand against Him (or me, when I stand in Him)!

Looking Forward ...

So here it is. The last day of 2013. It was the first full year my mom was not here with us - but with Jesus instead. It is the last year I will spend any time with Joey - in the relationship we had, at least.

I'm very hopeful and excited for the coming year! Still, today it has hit me again that a big chapter of my life is over for good ...

I've always been the type of person that once I went for something, I went for it with all I had. My relationship with Joey was no exception. Even when I questioned so many things about us, I fought for him and us. Partly because I loved him so much! Also, though, because I don't ever like to quit! At least not in things like that, like relationships.

Unfortunately, if I'm honest with myself, I don't believe he ever loved me in the way I kept hoping he would. I do think he loved me ... in his own way. I don't think it is a healthy kind of love, though. It's not caring, complete, giving. I know I'm far from perfect, but he loved me selfishly, when it was best for him. Not out of true love for me or us as a couple. As a family.

This is something I've probably known for so long, yet I didn't want to put it out there, put it into words. I kept holding on to the hope of working things out, getting back together. Even though it was a sad relationship. He was a very abusive man, in all senses of the word. And angry. And negative.

Why is it that I still miss him and the hope that I had for us to be a family then??

Though he still won't admit it, I know from sources that he has been in a relationship with someone else for some time now. When I found that out, I knew that was truly the end. I have been able to let go some. But I guess my heart still holds on to the memories. Holds on too much sometimes.

As I search to find PEACE in my daily life in the coming year, I pray that I will find it in many areas. In the area of me and Joey. I pray that I finally am able to move on without always remembering, always thinking, always having that hurt holding on to my heart and mind.

I pray this in Jesus' name!! And I BELIEVE I will find the PEACE I seek.

Feeling Down ...

I don't know why I'm feeling down right now. I have been since about mid-afternoon. Was having a really good day, and feeling really good. All of a sudden, it just hit me though. Not sure if I unconsciously thought of something that didn't agree with my happiness? Did I see something and not realize it bothered me? I truly have no idea ...

I've been trying for the last couple of hours to "get back up," but I'm struggling! Lord, please feel me with your PEACE!!

I'm hoping that by blogging (as I said I would today!) that it may be just the jump start I need.

I went out to my dad's today with my kids to see my grandson and give him his Christmas presents. While I was out there, my brother was out in the shed, so we stopped in there to look for just a quick few minutes. I found a couple more books that I wanted to have here at the house, and a couple of other things. Among these was a little bag of fiber that I happened to find in a box. I have NO idea where I got it from, and don't even remember getting it! It's cashmere though! I brought it home with me. Some day when I get back to practicing spindling, and get a little better at it, I will use this (probably with some wool) and see what I can come up with. :)

I joined a swap on Ravelry: The Loopy Ewe Swap 12. I'm very excited about this. I've been in contact with both the person who will be sending to me and the person I will be spoiling. It is so nice to have people to talk to, to get to know. I have some ideas about what I will be making/sending for my spoilee, but nothing definite yet. I am super glad I joined though! It's different than other swaps and things I've been involved with because we know who we are sending to and receiving from. This gives us the chance to actually get to know the other people, and I'm so thankful for that!

Also, this past week I enrolled at DeVry University. I have been attempting to get my Associate's for WAY too long, and need to finally get it done. I have wasted a lot of my Pell Grant over the years, not being sure what I truly wanted to do. This will affect my upcoming class enrollment. However, I should have enough for a couple of more semesters. PLUS, I was awarded a transfer scholarship that will help immensely. Costs are higher at the university level than at the community college; and without this scholarship I wouldn't be able to continue with school right now.

My plans are to get my associate's in web design, then to continue on to get a bachelor's degree in a multimedia area. Wish me luck!

Well, I didn't get to talking about my One Word for 2014 (PEACE), but I will get to that soon. I'm going to go try and knit again, hoping I can get my happy back!

Almost the End of 2013

This has definitely been a year of change for me. Just wanted to take a step towards returning. For the first time, I have chosen my One Word for 2014: PEACE. I will come back tomorrow to "journal" and share my ideas and plans ...

So, again, it's been forever since I've posted. I've had so many things going on in my life, especially the past year. My mom passed away September 7, 2012. We found out April 17, 2012, that sure had brain cancer .... I finally left Joey ... but that relationship is still there. Don't know if we'll ever totally be able to let go and get along. It's so messed up! He's the reason I'm here tonight. He is such a jerk! I need to let go ... I will type more later ... but just needed a start again ... Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers ...