Looking Forward ...

So here it is. The last day of 2013. It was the first full year my mom was not here with us - but with Jesus instead. It is the last year I will spend any time with Joey - in the relationship we had, at least.

I'm very hopeful and excited for the coming year! Still, today it has hit me again that a big chapter of my life is over for good ...

I've always been the type of person that once I went for something, I went for it with all I had. My relationship with Joey was no exception. Even when I questioned so many things about us, I fought for him and us. Partly because I loved him so much! Also, though, because I don't ever like to quit! At least not in things like that, like relationships.

Unfortunately, if I'm honest with myself, I don't believe he ever loved me in the way I kept hoping he would. I do think he loved me ... in his own way. I don't think it is a healthy kind of love, though. It's not caring, complete, giving. I know I'm far from perfect, but he loved me selfishly, when it was best for him. Not out of true love for me or us as a couple. As a family.

This is something I've probably known for so long, yet I didn't want to put it out there, put it into words. I kept holding on to the hope of working things out, getting back together. Even though it was a sad relationship. He was a very abusive man, in all senses of the word. And angry. And negative.

Why is it that I still miss him and the hope that I had for us to be a family then??

Though he still won't admit it, I know from sources that he has been in a relationship with someone else for some time now. When I found that out, I knew that was truly the end. I have been able to let go some. But I guess my heart still holds on to the memories. Holds on too much sometimes.

As I search to find PEACE in my daily life in the coming year, I pray that I will find it in many areas. In the area of me and Joey. I pray that I finally am able to move on without always remembering, always thinking, always having that hurt holding on to my heart and mind.

I pray this in Jesus' name!! And I BELIEVE I will find the PEACE I seek.

Feeling Down ...

I don't know why I'm feeling down right now. I have been since about mid-afternoon. Was having a really good day, and feeling really good. All of a sudden, it just hit me though. Not sure if I unconsciously thought of something that didn't agree with my happiness? Did I see something and not realize it bothered me? I truly have no idea ...

I've been trying for the last couple of hours to "get back up," but I'm struggling! Lord, please feel me with your PEACE!!

I'm hoping that by blogging (as I said I would today!) that it may be just the jump start I need.

I went out to my dad's today with my kids to see my grandson and give him his Christmas presents. While I was out there, my brother was out in the shed, so we stopped in there to look for just a quick few minutes. I found a couple more books that I wanted to have here at the house, and a couple of other things. Among these was a little bag of fiber that I happened to find in a box. I have NO idea where I got it from, and don't even remember getting it! It's cashmere though! I brought it home with me. Some day when I get back to practicing spindling, and get a little better at it, I will use this (probably with some wool) and see what I can come up with. :)

I joined a swap on Ravelry: The Loopy Ewe Swap 12. I'm very excited about this. I've been in contact with both the person who will be sending to me and the person I will be spoiling. It is so nice to have people to talk to, to get to know. I have some ideas about what I will be making/sending for my spoilee, but nothing definite yet. I am super glad I joined though! It's different than other swaps and things I've been involved with because we know who we are sending to and receiving from. This gives us the chance to actually get to know the other people, and I'm so thankful for that!

Also, this past week I enrolled at DeVry University. I have been attempting to get my Associate's for WAY too long, and need to finally get it done. I have wasted a lot of my Pell Grant over the years, not being sure what I truly wanted to do. This will affect my upcoming class enrollment. However, I should have enough for a couple of more semesters. PLUS, I was awarded a transfer scholarship that will help immensely. Costs are higher at the university level than at the community college; and without this scholarship I wouldn't be able to continue with school right now.

My plans are to get my associate's in web design, then to continue on to get a bachelor's degree in a multimedia area. Wish me luck!

Well, I didn't get to talking about my One Word for 2014 (PEACE), but I will get to that soon. I'm going to go try and knit again, hoping I can get my happy back!

Almost the End of 2013

This has definitely been a year of change for me. Just wanted to take a step towards returning. For the first time, I have chosen my One Word for 2014: PEACE. I will come back tomorrow to "journal" and share my ideas and plans ...

So, again, it's been forever since I've posted. I've had so many things going on in my life, especially the past year. My mom passed away September 7, 2012. We found out April 17, 2012, that sure had brain cancer .... I finally left Joey ... but that relationship is still there. Don't know if we'll ever totally be able to let go and get along. It's so messed up! He's the reason I'm here tonight. He is such a jerk! I need to let go ... I will type more later ... but just needed a start again ... Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers ...

Good Morning ...

Okay ... so I'm not doing so good in the blogging area again. I've been feeling a little down and confused ... that's nothing new ... but I think about blogging ... I just don't usually do it.
I've been trying to knit on the first-round socks for Sock Madness 5. I'm hoping to get them finished in time, but I'm not sure I will. They are a little more snug than I had hoped, but they should fit someone! My son's been wanting another pair of socks for quite a while; they will probably go to him.
I'm also still knitting on a pair of socks for my friend pollywoggg (*note to self to remember to link her later!). I'm knitting them in Knit Picks Stroll Duchess Heather and using the Khotan pattern. I can't remember right off if I'd blogged about them before or not, so this might be repeat info. I'm working on the heel flap, though they've taken a back seat right now to the SM5 socks. Sorry!! :(
I also started a pair of Embossed Leaves in Malabrigo Persia for my mom. This is the first time I've used this yarn ... and I have to agree with everyone! It's such a nice yarn to work with! I hope they won't wear through to soon, as this yarn doesn't have nylon. I think they will be just fine for mom, though.
I've decided to try something to lose weight. I won't comment more about it here now, but if all goes well, I will say more in a couple of weeks ...
If anyone reads this, please keep me in your prayers!:)

Alone

"I wish Pooh were here. It’s so much more friendly with two."
-- Piglet (A.A. Milne)

I guess I'm just having one of those days ... this evening especially ... For the most part, I enjoy being alone more than I thought I would ... but sometimes I miss having friends ... and I can't lie and say it wouldn't be nice to have the baby's father around ... or someone around ... Someone to laugh with, talk to, hug me ...
I guess some days are just harder than others ... and I may feel better tommorrow ... I may even feel better in a couple of hours ... but right now it is what it is ... and I just feel sorta sad ... and lonely ...

WIP

WIP. That's what I am ... and that's what I have to remember .... I will never be perfect ... and for a certain someone, that is unacceptable. So, why let that person influence how I feel about myself ... hmmm .... I think he needs to be taken out of the equation for my happiness ...
I finished my Black Tie, Optional socks ... and I LOVE them! I will post a pic soon ... I used Socks That Rock Lightweight in the Lenore colorway. I'd forgotten that I truly do love STR ...
I started another mystery sock KAL yesterday and will post more info later ... off to finish reading a chapter in my Speech Communications online class and then take an exam ... after I lay my lil pumpkin down again ... :)

Tuesday

What an original post title, huh? LOL! I wanted to make sure I at least posted something ... want to make blogging a habit again, so I will do it daily ... even if I don't have much to say ...
I'm fixin to work on my socks for a bit while the baby's sleeping, so maybe I'll check back in a lil later! :)
Have a great day!

Happy New Year

Think I should try this again?? LOL!
I'm going to challenge myself to posting at least a couple times a week, if not daily. Even if I only stop by to say hi ... I think it's important for me to be able to express myself "on paper." That's something I haven't done for a long time, and I think it's had a negative impact on me ... Being able to express myself is necessary for me to find more peace, I believe.
I've totally forgotten how to add pics and projects so if anyone happens to read this and can offer some quick tips, I would appreciate it!! Otherwise, I hope to re-learn those things soon! :)
Currently I am knitting a pair of socks with the Hazel Knits Artisan group on Ravelry. It is a mystery sock KAL, and the pattern is called Gentian. I bought my first skein of Hazel Knits yarn for this project ... and I'm LOVING it! The yarn and the pattern! The colorway I chose is Spanish Wine in the Piquant base. It's turning out beautifully.
I got a late start since I didn't start until midway through January, but I'm challenging myself to knit more again. It's so soothing for me! Especially with the lil one! It's a little funny thinking I have a 3 month old son and a 7 month old grandson, but I love both sooo much!!! Love my other kids too, but it's definitely nice having lil ones around again .. :)
Back to Hazel Knits ... I am planning on joining the sock club they have, my first shipment to be receive in Feburary ... Can't wait! I've been wanting to join a sock club again for quite some time. I miss being able to be a part of the Socks That Rock club, but financially things have not been good here.
My last relationship caused a lot of changes in my life ... and a lot of them weren't good. I know that ultimately I am responsibl for where I am today, but I let "him" control so much of what I did for the last 4-1/2 years ... time to be strong again ... to become "me" again ... :)
Okay ... I took the first step ...

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for so many things in my life ... I don't understand why I still sometimes want what I can't have ... who actually ... and the crazy thing is that even if I did have him ... what would it matter because he doesn't know how to love ... :(
I have his son though ... Jonah will be six weeks old this Friday ... and he's so precious! I am very thankful for my three children, my grandson and my family ... and for the many wonderful friends I do have ...
Lord, please give me the strength to forgive so that I can just let go and move on ... I deserve so much more than him ...
Happy Thanksgiving to all ... :)

Pain

It has been a rough couple of years for me ... and my son. I am 8 months pregnant and after 4 years with my ex he decided he wanted nothing to do with me after I got pregnant. Last night he gave me some news that stole my last bit of hope that we'd ever make things work .... I have so much hurt inside ... want to forgive and let go ... give it all to God ... my tears are falling ...God please help me ...

Tears Will Dry ...

Today has been an AWFUL day! My eyes are swollen and my head hurts! I don't understand why my ex has to go out of his way to make me sad and put me down ... I think it's because he's unhappy with himself, but being 7 months pregnant with his son ... well ... it doesn't make me feel very good.

The ray of sunshine for today came, however, when I received an e-mail from Stacey. I had left a comment on her blog ... and she e-mailed me saying that I would be the recipient of the sock pattern she had just completed. Thank you Stacey!! :)

That made me smile. It really is the little things that can remind you that not everything is awful ... even when sometimes it seems that way ... I don't have to let "Him" define who I am ... it hurts ... but I will survive and I will succeed ...

Joy

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

It's difficult, at times, to remember that everything I'm going through is for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. We have choices ... but we will still have hard times, trials ... without them, we cannot grow ... I am thankful for these times ...

10 Things I Hope Happen Within the Next Year ...

I need to blog. Hopefully this will be a start ... slow as it may be.

10 Things I Hope Happen Within the Next Year Are:

1. Be happy again.
2. Do more things with my son Noah.
3. Have a healthy baby. (Hurry up October! LOL)
4. Start knitting again.
5. Laugh more ... again.
6. Learn to forgive.
7. Try to get back into selling AVON.
8. Re-discover myself.
9. Lose weight again (after I have the baby).
10. Blog more! ;)

That's a start ...

Wow!

I can't believe it ... but it's been almost a year (!) since I last posted ... I guess I got really tired of trying to get into my blog and not being able to ... We'll see how long this lasts ...

Anyhow ... a lot has changed since I last was here ... I've moved ... things are actually working out with my boyfriend ... my son is really starting to show me that he knows EVERYTHING and I know nothing ... my daughter got married ... hmmm ... a lot more too ... some I don't want to get into now ...

Either way ... my knitting mojo has definitely been MIA for quite some time now ... but as it starts to get cooler ... I'm really trying to start a couple new projects ...

One is an afghan for me and my man ... planning on something in purple and black ... no pattern picked out yet ...

Next ... I need to finish a beanie that I started ages ago for my son ... cooler weather ya know?

And (OF COURSE) ... socks! I'm going to try a footie pattern in Fixation ... see if I can maybe whip out a few pairs for Christmas gifts for my bf, his family ... and of course ... me and my son ...

Guess that's all for now ... but hope to be back soon and stay in touch more often!!! :)

I'm HERE!!!

I have had sooo many problems tryin to log into my blog lately!! Every time I try to access blogger ... it wigs out on me ... and tries to open like a million and a half windows ... with a new one continually popping up! I end up having to open my task manager and close blogger .. or it will just keep goin and goin ... sorta like the Energizer Bunny, I guess ... but it REALLY SUCKS!!!

I'm amazed that I got in today ... but really glad ... cuz (obviously) I haven't been posting like I should for Secret Pal 11. So ... I definitely wanna let my Pal know that I am here ... just been unable to post for a while ... :(

Just a quick thought that I read recently in Debbie Macomber's "Knit Together: Discover God's Plan for Your Life:"
"Positive thinking won't let you do anything, but it will let you do everything better than negative thinking will." - Zig Ziglar

Hope to update on my knitting soon ... but gotta get back to work! :(

To My Secret Pal ...

I got home yesterday and found a package waiting for me!! Looked at the return address ... YEAH!!! From my Secret Pal!!

I opened it and ... OH MY GOSH!!!

I was so surprised to see the wollmeise!!! It's GORGEOUS!! In shades of purples and teals and blues and black ... Can't wait to try it!!!!

Also included was yarn for another pair of socks (Regia in a mauve color) too!!! YEAH!!

Can never have too many tape measures ... And the beautiful vintage one you sent ... I'm gonna make sure I never lose it!!

I'm not sure if I'll try the dpns ... I'm very much in love with my circs ... but I will "pay them forward" to someone most definitely ... I hope that doesn't offend you ...

And the pattern ... I'd never seen that one before! LOVE IT! It will be on my list of to-dos ...

Thanks you so much for being a wonderful Secret Pal!! And hope things are doing well for you!!

WOW!!!

I hadn't realized it had ben so long since I'd last posted!!! I've had so much going on ...

Work has been busy ... but that's been a good thing for the most part ... One of the technicians has been on maternity leave ... so I've been filling in ... doing her Food Stamp and Medicaid interviews and cases ... I soo miss being a technician! I hope that a position will come open soon ...

My mom has been in the hospital since Friday ... and she doesn't seem to be doing much better ... I'm really stressed about that right now ...

I've gotten some more done on my Waving Lace socks, and am almost ready to start the heels on a pair of Rococo socks for my mom ...

I just want to say "hi" to my unknown Secret Pal ... hope things are going well for you ...

SP 11 Questionnaire

1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like? I mostly knit socks ... so sock yarn! Normally a wool/nylon combination ...

2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in? I usually have a pair of socks on all my needles ... so they don't really get stored away ... lol ...

3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced? I would consider myself and intermediate-advanced knitter ... I've been seriously knitting for about 3-4 years now, I think ... and am mostly self-taught.

4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list? not yet ... but if I get one I will let you know ...

5. What's your favorite scent? I love vanilla and spicy scents ... don't care so much for floral or fruity scents ...

6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy? not really big on candy ... but I do like Almond Joys and Nut Goodies ...

7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin? Right now knitting is my one and only passion ... and I have a drop spindle, but it really hasn't caught my attention too much ...

8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD) My computer can play MP3s ... I love all sorts of music ... from classic country (which I particularly love!) to reggaeton ...

9. What's your favorite color(s)? Any colors you just can't stand? LOVE purple!!! don't really care for yellows and greens ...

10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets? I am a single mother to two children ... we have cats ...

11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos? Nope ... don't wear any of these ...

12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit? SOCKS!!!

13. What are you knitting right now? several pairs of SOCKS!!!

14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts? I am happy with whatever I receive ...

15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic? I use addi turbo circulars ... mostly 40- to 47-inch since I do my socks magic loop, two at a time ...

16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift? I have a ball winder but no swift ...

17. How old is your oldest UFO? maybe a year???

18. What is your favorite holiday? I guess I really don't have a favorite holiday ... sometimes they make me sad, even though I shouldn't be ...

19. Is there anything that you collect? I collect monkeys and sheep ...

20. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have? I have a subscription to Interweave Knits ... I would love to try some Sea Wool and Wollmeise (not sure I spelled that right) ... there are others ... and I will add them or let you know when I think of others ...

21. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn? I would like to do some fair-isle knitting someday ...

22. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements? Sock Knitter for Life! lol ...

23. When is your birthday? April 13, 1976

24. Are you on Ravelry? If so, what's your ID? Not yet! But hopefully soon!!!

Crossroads

I have some decisions to make ... and none of them are going to be easy ... Please keep me in your prayers ...

I've actually been able to knit some ... for a while there I couldn't even do that ... Have just a couple more rows to knit on my second pair of Monkey socks ... Will post a pic when I can ... I was gonna keep this pair for myself ... but think I'm going to give them to my friend Samantha instead ...

The whole last year of my life has been so up and down ... I've lost a part of me ... a big part of my heart ... and I don't smile like I used to ... When you're on top of the world, so happy ... then you're knocked down ... Up and down, over and over ... you sorta forget to smile ... or laugh ... cuz it hurts to much to trust and try again ...